Humans In Black
by gizzymotto
Summary: Dib is just an agent trying to keep the peace on Earth. Too bad for him a little green alien keeps getting in the way. DAZR
1. Chapter 1

**This was just another random thought that popped into my mind. Sry to bug you ppl and as for the other story I am working on the second chapter and have added more to the first. I had to write this down because I really felt like writing it. Oh and there will be cussing and ZADR eventually. :P**

**I do not own Invader Zim or Men In Black**

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><p>He cackled loudly as his ship entered the puny planet's orbit. Earth was in full view and the tiny invader couldn't be happier. He clapped his hands together quickly before summoned his SIR unit.<p>

"GIR!"A tiny robot fell from the ceiling rolling around before he finally stood and saluted his master.

"Yes siiiiiiiir?" he said his tongue hanging out.

"Prepare the ship for landing! We have arrived to the dirt ball known as Earth." He chuckled darkly. "They will not even know what hit them. The amazing Zim will blend in so perfectly they will not have time to blink let alone run!" He erupted with evil laughter, his upper body shaking.

Gir blinked and screamed "We're here funny man!"

Zim blinked before falling forward as the ship landed roughly. He grunted brushing himself off and standing. The ships doors opened slowly and he took his first steps

onto the planet he would soon invade. He smiled. This would be easy.

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><p>Dib sighed looking up at the screen. An unregistered space craft had just landed in middle America….once again! He knew he would have to go and register the alien and<p>

give him the official Earth and rule handbook. After a long sigh he took a long hit of his cigarette while running a hand through his hair. This stupid alien had to land in his

part of town right before he was about to sleep! A deep scowl appeared on Dib's face. He already disliked this alien. Sighing he felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned

to see his boss Mr. Dwicky. Dwicky smiled at Dib and chuckled.

"Just one more Dib and you can sleep. Go see what this creature is and register it. You are the best we have Dib." With that he turned and walked away. Dib sighed. Of

course Dwicky would guilt trip him. Every time something came up unannounced he was the first shipped off. He pouted snatching up his phone from the counter top

and walking away. He walked through the main part of the headquarters' . Others nodded in respect as he passed and Dib nodded back. People were rushing in

organized chaos working quickly. Phones rang off the hook as other agents rushed to answer them. The place was busy as usual and Dib was kind of glad to get away

from it for awhile. Dib yawned rushing out the front door. He fixed his tie before jumping in the car.

"Now let's go see who this alien is."

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><p>Zim looked up at his base. It looked like an ordinary house to the humans. Zim chuckled darkly tapping his claws together. Gir was disguised as a simple dog and he a normal Earth boy. His plan was ingenious! He smiled smugly. This planet conquered in a week.<p>

Zim jumped startled by a sudden slamming of a car door. Turning quickly he observed on of the Earth's humans getting out of a black car. This human was tall and wore all all black. Even the small set of glasses that sat on his nose were black. His suit clung to him showing off lean muscle and his broad shoulders. Zim blinked. Was the human walking over to him?

"Hello fellow human!" He shouted waving his hand quickly back and forth.

Dib stood blinking; one hand in his pocket and the other holding a cigarette. He shook his head.

"You are so obvious. You are going to have to tone down the happy and not call people human. Oh and you are freaking green!"

It was Zim's turn to blink.. "Freaking? And Zim does not know what you are talking about. I am a normal human!"

Dib sighed walking over to Zim. He was so obvious. He had green skin for Christ sake. He looked the alien up and down and finally looked at his fake eyes. "Listen I know what you are."Zim panicked and reached for his self destruct button. Dib grabbed his wrist. "No no no bad do not do that. I am not here to expose you. It is quite the opposite actually."

Zim's eyes narrowed. "How so human?"

Dib sighed. "First thing. My name is Dib. I am the agent that was assigned to watch out for you and make sure you do not cause trouble." He reached in his jacket and pulled out a booklet. "Read this book front to back. It contains the rules and how to blend in."

Zim took the book confused and in shock."You want to help me blend in?"

Dib nodded not looking at Zim and pulled out a pen and pad of paper.

"Name?"

"I am the all mighty Zim!"

Dib wrote it down.

"Race?"

"I am a elite Irken warrior here to claim this planet and enslave you pathetic-"

"God damn! All I asked for was you race!"

"Irken." Zim mumbled.

Dib wrote it down and rubbed his eyes. He yawned and Zim crossed his arms in anger.

"Does the All mighty Zim bore you?"

Dib nodded. "Yes and I haven't had sleep yet."

Zim scoffed. "Pathetic human and your need for sleep."

Dib rolled his eyes and pointed his pen to Gir. "What the hell is that thing?"

Zim turned seeing Gir licking the dirt. "That is my advanced robot here to help me rule the human race!"

Dib nodded not really paying attention. "Yes, yes, that is super nice. I have all the information I need so I guess I will get going..Oh wait hold on." Dib pulled out a small

black watch and snatched Zim's wrist. Zim growled trying to pull back. Dib held tight on put on the watch. "Okay if you press the button on the side it tells me you need

help."

Zim blinked still confused by Dib's words. "Why are you helping me again?"

Dib sighed wanting tot go sleep. "I am apart of an organization call the Humans In Black. We were called the Men In Back, but we changed it due to a possible law suit."

Zim blinked and Dib elaborated. "Ya know because it's sexist." Dib sighed. "Anyway we here to protect and help Aliens and make sure they live happy live among the humans."

"I do not want to live here! I want to destroy it!"

Dib rolled his eyes. "You and everybody else. Look _Zim,_ don't do anything that breaks the rules and we won't have a problem."

"Listen, _Dib-beast, _I will do as I please! I am Zim!"

Dib sighed. At this rate he was going to be here all night. "What does that mean? Is it a code or something?"

Zim pouted. "No it just means I am Zim."

Dib nodded and turned to leave. "Good night hope your house burns down."

Zim gasped. "Hope all you want Dib-filth because it will not happen! I am Zim and I will rule this planet!"

Dib shook his head as he sat in the driver's seat. This Zim was going to be nothing but trouble.

Zim smirked and looked as the booklet. That stupid human had just given him the key to winning. That rude Dib-beast would be the first to go.

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><p>Zim stayed up working into the night to conjure the perfect explosive. That beast from earlier had stroke a cord with him. Should he take the human as a threat? No,it was a human. He had researched the species somewhat before landing. They were all meat bags and were easy to kill. If Zim wanted to take over the world the big headed beast would not get in his way. He smiled putting the final touches on his device. Holding it up he inspected it. The device was an disguised to look like an ordinary book. Inside was an explosive that would go off as soon as he pressed a button. This explosive was not an ordinary bomb. When this detonated it would release a powerful gas that would mess with the small minds of the humans, making them his slaves! Zim laughed loudly. This plan was perfect! As usual.<br>"Once those humans sniff this gas they will be my mind slaves and have no choice but to help me over take the city then the world! Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"

"Eeeeeeeeeeee!" Gir shouted clapping his hands.

Zim turned to turned to the robot "Yes Gir...it will be great."

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><p>Zim chuckled in his human outfit sitting at a table located far away from the bomb at a cafe. "Ha ha! " He couldn't stop smiling as he pressed the button. His face was set looking from afar to the public building where he had placed the bomb.<p>

He waited...

and waited...

and waited..

Finally his smile fell and he tossed the button on the ground. "How? Stupid button must be defective!"

"No not the button. It is the book. I cut the wires before you left."

Zim jumped turning to the voice. The face of the voice was hidden behind a news paper. Zim scowled.

"You.." He said to the man.

The paper fell to reveal Dib. "Yes me. Did you not read the rules? You can't do stuff like that."

"How did you disarm my bomb?"

Dib threw down the paper and put a hand over his mouth. "Don't yell the word bomb, stupid!"

Zim blinked and looked around to see others staring at him. He pushed Dib's hand away and smiled. "I am normal!" The other gave him a look before going back to their normal lives.

Dib shook his head taking a seat across from him. "I know you want to take over Earth, but you can't."

Zim frowned "Do not tell Zim what he can and can not do human!"

Dib sighed and lit a cigarette. "It is my job to make sure you do not cause trouble."

"Well it is my job to cause it!"

"Well that puts us both in a bad spot."

"It would seem so."

Dib nodded. "Good, now that that's out of the way do you want to have lunch?"

Zim blinked. "What?"

"Well I did not get to have lunch because of your stupid plan and I am hungry."

"My plan was not stupid!"

"Do you want to have lunch or not space boy?"

Zim looked at Dib for a moment deep in thought. This would be his chance to try and find a weakness in this beast. "Yes, Zim wants your icky worm baby food."

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><p><strong>If you want me to continue tell me. Reviews are much loved. Thanks for reading. <strong>


	2. Chapter Two

**Chapter two is here! Thank you for your very kind reviews. You guys are too awesome. :D**

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><p>Dib sat in the booth across from the green invader reading the the diner menu quietly while the alien fidgeted in his seat. Sighing, Dib sat the menu down.<p>

"Is there a problem?"

Zim glared. "Of course there is human! I have no idea what I can eat on this planet!"

Dib frowned at the statement and reached in his pocket, pulling out a black phone. After a moment of typing he flipped it shut.

"It says you can eat sweets and snacks."

Zim blinked. "How do you know what Zim is and is not allowed to use for nourishment!"

Dib held up the phone. "This bad boy has all the information I need. Every alien that has landed on Earth has been recorded in here."

Zim shook his head. "That is impossible! Zim is the only Irken to ever land on the filth ball!"

Dib sighed. "Please stop shouting."

Zim growled. "Dib- worm I promise you. I am the only Irken to have ever been here."

Dib frowned. "Well, we have information on your kind. It's not much, but it is there."

At this Zim began to panic. Another invader had landed here before him and failed to conquer the planet! This frightened Zim. What if he suffered the same fate and became food for these stink creatures! No! He would not allow it!

Dib raised a brow at the alien's sudden inner turmoil, but shrugged it off. Once the waiter came he ordered for all of them seeing as Zim was too deep in thought to even acknowledged the woman. He just shook his head at the green man. He looked worried. Dib just shrugged. Who cared.

Zim suddenly looked up at Dib.

"Dib-creature."

Dib sighed. "Yes?"

"I will consider your offer for help."

Dib sighed running a hand though his hair. "That is not how it works Zim. I am here to help you live a normal life on Earth."

Zim forced his best smile. "But, that is what Zim wishes to do now."

Dib looked at the alien not believing him. "And you suddenly dropped world conquest because?"

Zim sighed. "Well you see if the other before me could not succeed how can I?"

Dib shrugged. "Makes sense. What do you want to know?"

Zim smiled. "I want you to teach me everything about the humans."

Dib nodded "Like I said, that's why I am here."

Dib sipped his coffee not noticing Zim's evil smirk. The smirked faded when his waffles arrived. Cautiously, he looked a nibbled it. Dib couldn't help but watched amused. After the first nibbled Zim decided it was more than safe and began devouring his waffles.

Dib shook his head and began to eat his waffles and blue berries. Dib ate slowly, taking his time. Each piece was cut into a small bite before he ate it. Zim stopped eating and watched before growling.

"Why do you not devour your food? Conquer it!"

"It is called having manners. I like to eat like a higher mammal and not a pig."

Zim blinked. "Manners? Tell Zim of these manners."

"You don't have manners where you come from?"

"No.."

Dib sighed. "Well it is called table manners. It is kind of like rules of how to eat. Humans do not accept rude behavior at the table. Well, most don't."

Zim nodded slowly and looked at his food before eating slowly. He mimicked Dib and took smile bites, while chewing with his mouth closed. Dib raised a brow watching how closely he was being watched.

"Do you want me to teach you table manners?"

"I order you to!"

"Ask nicely."

"What?"

"Ask nicely"

"How does one 'ask nicely'?"

Dib sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. This was going to be a long lunch.

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><p>Soon this became the norm. Zim would attract too much attention on purpose and force Dib to seek him out. He did this every time he needed to ask a question. Dib became so annoyed he broke down and bought the creature a cell phone and taught him how to use it. Soon after doing so he regretted it dearly. The alien would call constantly at various times of the day and night. Dib quickly learned Zim did not sleep and had to explain to the alien how he did. Eventually Zim caught on and called in the mornings, but it still did not help. This day was officially Zim's third week here. Usually by then aliens had moved on and only needed financial advice. Not Zim. Dib sighed answering his phone again.<p>

"Yes Zim?"

"Dib-beast! I hunger!"

"Eat some chips."

"No, I ...can you get Zim waffles again?"

Dib smiled. Zim was getting better at asking. "Since you asked, nicely I guess I could. I am coming over to do a check on your house. I will pick some up on the way."

And with that he hung up the phone.

After getting the food he drove to the aliens house. He frowned as the yard gnomes eyes followed him. Dib sighed and held onto his gun at his side. Pulling it out he shot the gnomes, not really wanting to deal with them. After they were taken care of he let himself in and walked into Zim's kitchen. They always did house checks on new aliens. They were once a week and they explained everything in the pamphlet. Zim, having never read the pamphlet was surprised when he showed up for his first house check. And just like the other two times he had checked the aliens house the alien was rushing to hide all his weapons. Zim ran into the kitchen and shoved a gun in his refrigerator not noticing Dib sitting quietly at the table eating with Gir. As he turned he jumped.

"Dib-beast!When did you arrive?"

"Five minutes ago."

Zim blinked. "Well I was doing human cleaning."

Dib shook his head. "Of course you were." he handed him his foam to go box and Zim's eyes brightened.

The three sat eating. Zim did not bother with manners in his house and Dib had told him he should try and get used to acting like that all the time. So sometimes Zim tried unless he was hungry. When he was hungry he devoured his food.

Rubbing the back of his neck Dib decided to tell Zim he was leaving. It was time for him to be reassigned. Zim would be fine now.

"Zim. I am being assigned to another alien. I have spent too much time with you as it is. You should be fine on your own."

Zim stopped eating and blinked looking at Dib. Dib was leaving? How dare he! Zim suddenly felt a panic. If he left who would be there to help him on this dirt ball? In the days he had been here he had clung to Dib's side. It was strange at first but Dib was like a comfort zone. He could explain any confusion and protect him. Zim had no idea what had happened to that other Irken, but he was sure Dib would not let it happen to him. Dib would protect him. He said it was part of his job after all. Zim frowned. If that was his job then why did he want to leave him? Zim crossed his arms staring down the human across from him. Zim had no idea what had caused it but he suddenly felt...hurt.

"Fine. Go Dib-worm. You are no longer of use to me anyway!"

He held his head high. He didn't need a human to make him feel safe. He was an invader! He would rule these human, Dib included.

Dib blinked at the greens man's sudden anger. Sighing he stood. "Zim I am sorry I upset you. It's nothing personal.."

Upset him? Zim tilted his head at the words. "Just go human. I am fine on my own, remember?"

Dib frowned hesitating. "If you ever need me you have my phone and watch remember?"

Zim blinked looking at him. He was shocked. It was no longer the human's job to watch him and yet he still wanted to. Humans were odd. He didn't understand them and probably never would.

"Just go, beast."

Dib nodded and sighed walking out of the kitchen and soon out the front door.

Zim stood and walked over to Dib's plate. For some reason the Dib always had his waffles with tiny blue fruits. Reaching down he took one and nibbled it. A moment later he sat in Dib's chair and picked the rest of the berries off. While he ate them he thought about Dib's parting words. The Dib was being, as humans called it, nice. From what he saw nice was for the weak. That confused him. How could he feel protected by someone so weak?

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><p>It had been only three days since he left Zim and already he sorta missed the green idiot. Maybe it was because his new assignment was a green blob that tended to shout in his own native tongue. He had no idea where to start with this thing. There was no way to communicate unless he suddenly learned how to speak blob. Dib knew how to speak many alien languages, but this one was impossible for any human to speak. He was pretty sure they never taught him this language because the sounds were impossible for the human voice box to make. So he continued to stare at the blob, who sounded like he was complaining about something. He didn't know. He didn't really care either. The blob seemed to grow more and more upset at Dib's silence and decided it was a good idea to try and consume Dib. Dib blinked and looked down as the blob latched onto his shoe. As it did his shoe started to dissolve. With a grunt he flung the blob off his foot, sending it colliding with a near by rock.<p>

Dib shook his head looking at his poor dissolved shoe. He could see his toes move.

"Damn it! Now I have to get a new pair...I really liked these too."

Sighing he pulled out a small container. He walked over to the rock and scraped off what was left of the tiny blob. He would have to take him back to headquarters. Once in his car he tossed the container in the passenger seat. Thankfully the blob was still alive and started ranting again. He shook his head starting the car. Before putting it in drive something caught his eye. A red light flashed. He blinked and looked on the floor of the passenger side. It was the watch. He had given Zim a watch on his first day on Earth. Zim had a watched and Dib a matching one. He knew what Zim was doing. The alien was like a child. He pressed the button on the watch because he wanted attention. The watch was only to be used if he was in danger. It angered Dib that Zim did not take the watch seriously.

Shaking his head he picked up the watch. Pressing a couple buttons he found the alien's location. He was surprised to see Zim's location. Zim was at headquarters. Putting the car into drive he hit the gas, taking off like a bat out of hell. The alien had did something stupid; he was sure. Whatever he did he probably deserved, but Dib couldn't shake the feeling that it was his fault for leaving. Sighing to himself, he pressed the gas harder hoping he wasn't too late.

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><p><strong>The next chapter of secrets is coming up. Sorry it took so long guys. . and thank you for you reviews so far.<strong>


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